Insomnia

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night? Do you ever toss and turn constantly and relive difficult situations over and over in your head? How many times did you watch the clock hit 2 am, 3 am and even 4 am? How many times did the alarm begin screaming shrilly after you FINALLY just fell asleep?

Insomnia is something I am determined to destroy this year. I had been doing very well working on my nighttime anxiety and had regulated my sleep patterns for the most part during the week. But this past week reminded me with a swift and hard hand how horrific insomnia can truly be. Not only are you suffering that night torturing yourself over how awful you’re going to feel in the morning, but you get the added treat of dragging your completely worn-out self through the entire following day. The worst part is, you did it to yourself.

You did it to yourself because you feared something in your power went horribly wrong. Or you imagined that some event in your near future would most definitely have a severely negative outcome. You catastrophize and replay worst case scenario under the guise that you are trying to brilliantly devise a picture perfect solution. The problem is, you can’t control everything. Worst of all, you have no faith in yourself under game time pressure.

And then you live the situation in real life. Guess what? It turns out fine. You know why? Because you are far more capable than you ever give yourself credit for. The advice you give everyone else, everyday, you forgot to give yourself. You neglected to pat yourself on the back and allow yourself the rest you so desperately needed.  You refused to cut yourself any slack and give yourself the freedom to maybe make a mistake. You were relentless and vicious in your constant critiques of yourself. Instead of being your own best friend, you became your own worst enemy.

In a world of constant stress and pressure, finding strength within is crucial. Letting go of the illusion of control is possible, I know it is. Someday I hope to get there.