Something to Hide

I often talk about my experience in therapy over the last year and a half because I still believe that there is a huge social stigma associated with it. I believe that many of society’s current issues come from our culture of burying everything that is “real” and creating an elaborate front that everything is fine.  Studies have been done that show Facebook actually causes depression because so many people are only posting the good and ignoring the bad. I’d argue that the more we post reality, the better off we’d be as a society.  One of the things I’ve learned about real writing is that it has to be raw and open.  The posts that have resonated the most with everyone are those where I have opened myself completely without reserve. From the feedback I’ve received, it’s making a difference.  That’s all I ever wanted to do in the first place and I have already been rewarded a hundred times over.

Some of the most challenging work of my therapy process has been excavating all of the events/thoughts/actions that I had buried for so long beneath a happy face and a chipper personality. From a young age, when I opened my mouth to talk about what mattered most to me, I was often shut down. I was forever being corrected that my thought process was off and that there was a very specific way to think and behave. I was to adhere to those standards no matter what. After enough years of that, I just kept my mouth shut. I hardly ever participated in class discussions because I was too afraid to share something and have it be dismissed. I didn’t share my true feelings with friends or lovers because it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. I kept everything on the inside because no one would want to hear it anyway.

After a while, hiding in shadows, restricting my own ideas and crafting the perfect sentences became my way of life. It was a form of pleasing all those around me and building the most pristine reputation possible. My resume looked outstanding and all would be well in the future to come. But the monsters and demons can only stay repressed for so long without oozing out of cracking sides. I became more and more interested in those around me who had no fear. I became quite bored with those who never let their guards down. I only wanted to surround myself with those who had darkness in them, who had secrets and long sordid stories, because those were the most real people I could find and by far the most interesting.

The process of becoming true to myself, has been an amazing and most frightening journey. I am no where near the end yet and I know I still have a ways to go in showing the world who I truly am. A lifetime of learned shame is not something one can shake easily. The purpose of this blog is to open the forum for people to feel comfortable to share their stories, the ones that they had been most ashamed of. It is here that people know they will be supported and not judged. The human condition is full of grime and filth and crazy; you can’t be true to yourself without it. Let’s stop hiding and celebrate all the best and worst parts of ourselves…together.