Something to Hide

I often talk about my experience in therapy over the last year and a half because I still believe that there is a huge social stigma associated with it. I believe that many of society’s current issues come from our culture of burying everything that is “real” and creating an elaborate front that everything is fine.  Studies have been done that show Facebook actually causes depression because so many people are only posting the good and ignoring the bad. I’d argue that the more we post reality, the better off we’d be as a society.  One of the things I’ve learned about real writing is that it has to be raw and open.  The posts that have resonated the most with everyone are those where I have opened myself completely without reserve. From the feedback I’ve received, it’s making a difference.  That’s all I ever wanted to do in the first place and I have already been rewarded a hundred times over.

Some of the most challenging work of my therapy process has been excavating all of the events/thoughts/actions that I had buried for so long beneath a happy face and a chipper personality. From a young age, when I opened my mouth to talk about what mattered most to me, I was often shut down. I was forever being corrected that my thought process was off and that there was a very specific way to think and behave. I was to adhere to those standards no matter what. After enough years of that, I just kept my mouth shut. I hardly ever participated in class discussions because I was too afraid to share something and have it be dismissed. I didn’t share my true feelings with friends or lovers because it wasn’t what they wanted to hear. I kept everything on the inside because no one would want to hear it anyway.

After a while, hiding in shadows, restricting my own ideas and crafting the perfect sentences became my way of life. It was a form of pleasing all those around me and building the most pristine reputation possible. My resume looked outstanding and all would be well in the future to come. But the monsters and demons can only stay repressed for so long without oozing out of cracking sides. I became more and more interested in those around me who had no fear. I became quite bored with those who never let their guards down. I only wanted to surround myself with those who had darkness in them, who had secrets and long sordid stories, because those were the most real people I could find and by far the most interesting.

The process of becoming true to myself, has been an amazing and most frightening journey. I am no where near the end yet and I know I still have a ways to go in showing the world who I truly am. A lifetime of learned shame is not something one can shake easily. The purpose of this blog is to open the forum for people to feel comfortable to share their stories, the ones that they had been most ashamed of. It is here that people know they will be supported and not judged. The human condition is full of grime and filth and crazy; you can’t be true to yourself without it. Let’s stop hiding and celebrate all the best and worst parts of ourselves…together.

 

I’m In Here

We all know the phrase “Beauty is Only Skin Deep”.  I remember my mother telling me that many years ago. She was counseling me to go beyond the surface of things to get to what’s real underneath. It was wonderful advice. True beauty is beyond physical; it is the sum of all the parts of a person. And so I have spent my life developing all parts of my personality and my humanity so that the allure within me could shine through. The following account is not a cry for anyone to reinforce my looks, it is simply a  description of a journey of physical self-perception.

My early adult experience was completely contrary to what I had been taught about the beauty within. I remember looking in the mirror as a ten year old girl. I was not depressed about how I looked, but I was constantly looking towards the future. I always thought that when I reached 18, I would turn into a beautiful swan. I had been through countless fashion magazines thinking that I too would look something like Jill Goodacre or Karen Mulder simply because that’s how older women looked. By body would become perfectly proportioned and the world would be my oyster. I would no doubt find true love.

When I went off to college however, it didn’t take long for me to be rejected countless times. Having gone to an all-girl school, I hadn’t had a ton of dating opportunity beforehand. But since I had molded myself into someone who was smart, funny, good-hearted and enjoyable to be around, I thought everything would be OK. But I was constantly considered to be simply in the “friend zone”. Of course, I tried my best to figure out why. The more I looked in the mirror, the more I saw my dad’s face. And while that face looked wonderful on a man, I had convinced myself it didn’t belong on a woman. It was the beginning of the plummeting of my self-worth. The worst part was that I couldn’t do anything about it; I could dress myself as best as I could but I couldn’t change my face.

I looked at all the girls who were sought after during college and they all had one thing in common; quintessential beauty. No one seemed to be reviewing their resumes or enjoying their humor. It seemed to me that if they looked spectacular they could get away with being at the very least uninteresting or at the very most downright mean. I felt cheated and misled. But mostly, I felt sub-par and unworthy. I wished so badly that I had morphed into the auburn-haired, green-eyed beauty that I felt would have matched the personality I had developed within. But it was simply about survival of the fittest within that environment and I was failing miserably.

My self-worth went through a challenging journey over the next fifteen years. I spent so much time trying to prove that I was attractive by giving myself away to the wrong people. I constantly obsessed over being in a relationship and the physicality of that relationship. I was convinced that once I found the ideal relationship it would prove I was attractive. I lost valuable time that I could have used doing a million more productive activities.

It’s taken so much time to recognize the meaning of true love, which truly does go beyond skin-deep. And it takes people of true character to go beyond high level good looks. So many women are constantly depressed because they do not fit what they experience to be the absolute. But society is often constantly reinforcing that ideal. While it would be wonderful to be the gorgeous woman I had once envisioned I could be, I have finally embraced the substance that is inside of me and stopped wishing it went beyond that. While I’m no model, I am me. And I am finally content in who I am and what I have become. I’m hoping time is good to me, and allows me to truly enjoy what’s left of the future.

 

 

 

Defining What Matters

So many of us live day to day in a constant state of overwhelm. We excuse it by saying, “Once I finish “blank”, I’ll be able to settle down a bit. Unfortunately, sometimes what we proudly and consciously spend our time on, becomes a complete waste when we look back in hindsight. I’ve always loved the quote, “Youth is wasted on the young.” I know when I look back to those days, I wish I’d had the maturity and the foresight to spend time on what matters to me today and let go of what was quite meaningless in the long run. I had so much to prove to so many who most likely weren’t even paying attention, never mind keeping score.

One could argue that what you spent your time on in your youth defined who you are today; “you reap what you sow”. And I do believe that for the most part that is true. But when you reach mid-life, you wonder how much of it got you to where you truly wanted to be, versus where you thought you ought to be. And then the reality of how much time you have left begins to sink in. You begin to realize it is crucial, now more than ever, to leave society’s constructs behind and do what matters, to you.

A crucial part of defining what matters, is defining what doesn’t. This is where a close scrutiny of time spent day to day begins to reveal your priorities, and this is where the disconnect becomes quickly and surprisingly apparent. How much are we doing out of habit, how much from obligation, how much from competition, pressure or otherwise unhealthy sources? Each brick you lay now, builds the path that leads you to your final resting place. If you remain  on this course, will it lead you to where you want to end up? If someone were to ask you what truly matters, would you find yourself devoting any time whatsoever to those tenets on a day to day basis?

Reflection matters, especially in a day and age where we are constantly bombarded by messages and demands not of our choosing. Silence is one of the only places where you can gain true clarity. The other safe harbor is where you engage in the things that truly make your soul happy. It is upon arrival at both of those mental destinations that you start to realize true happiness as defined not by others, but by you. We will all have to cut out the things that don’t matter, little by little, if we are to be true to ourselves in the long run.

The Normalization of Violence

The latest horrific incident of violence through yet another shooting spree at a school has of course spurred the debates about to how to solve this issue. I scroll through my facebook feed and see good friends on both sides of the gun control issue. There are manifestos regarding the need for tougher gun control and there are manifestos that tout that guns don’t kill people, people kill people. There are the ever-present discussions regarding the state of mental health. There are articles that cite that more children are killed by guns in the US than any other country in the world.

To me, the issue is far larger than all described above. Thoughts began to swirl around my head that led me to research society within our country as well as cultures throughout the world. I have been researching violence as a whole throughout history. I read articles describing anthropologists’ and biologists’ conflicting arguments on whether or not violence is inherent and whether it is something which can be overcome. I have found research those shows there are at least 70 societies worldwide that resolve issues peacefully to the point where violence simply does not exist.

While it has been shown quite convincingly that violence can be inherently wired within us, whether you are studying chimpanzees or studying humans, the actual normalization of violence within cultures is the true culprit of the propagation, continuation and cyclical nature of continued and sustained terror. What was so disturbing about my research on violence is how many categories have been defined. There is interpersonal, intimate partner, societal, domestic, youth, elder, sexual, financial, psychological… and the list goes on and on. Violence begets violence.

Unfortunately, this current political climate and administration has done nothing but bring more violence to the forefront, as aggression has been continuously explained away and even celebrated. I will forever defend my position that any violence or aggression whether in word or in deed must not be tolerated. We live in a world and a culture that celebrates and is constantly normalizing brutality. There are people in this county and on this planet that live in constant fear of their next violent episode. As a human race, we must rise above and evolve to the peaceful creatures we know we can be. It will take generations, but we must forever push ourselves in the right direction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Self-Help Aisle

  1. “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” -Aristotle

I remember the first time I found the self-help section at Barnes & Noble. I was living by myself on Long Island, commuting to my new job in New York City. I had no car and lived by myself. I exhausted myself enough during the week between my commute and the job to crash early every night. But the weekends during which I did not travel were long and lonely. Sometimes I would travel in to spend a day exploring all the wonderful nooks and crannies of New York City. But during the days I wanted to remain local, I would walk to the local B&N Bookstore and lose myself in the hope of all those shiny new books promising me a shiny and perfect life.

With all the self-help books I have read during the past twenty one years, you would think I would have the peace, fortitude and stability of the Dalai Lama. I’ve read countless books about being happier, being skinnier, being stronger, being bolder, being a better manager, being a better leader, being a better friend, being a better listener, being more in control of my destiny and of course, being a faster reader so that I could read more self-help books! I should be so fabulously perfect by now that you’d be able to crown me God.

Unfortunately, that large investment in all those books never quite got me to where I wanted to be. One and a half years of therapy has gotten me further than another twenty would have in the self-help aisle. What’s funny is that I have surfaced far more questions than answers. But the best part is, I have more hope that ever, that the answers I’ve been looking for are not out there, but are actually buried deep within myself, underneath all of the rubble I have piled on to myself for the last 42 years.

I suspect it will take at least another ten years to answer all my questions, unearth all my issues, comb through my anxieties and surface my depressions. But for all the nights that I woke up at 3am in a panic or hid underneath a blanket in the middle of the day, I believe that true happiness and infinite peace do exist. I know enlightenment as I’ve read about for so many years is attainable. We are all on a journey and this is mine. You happen to be coming along with me for the ride. And somewhere within the best version of me, will be the power to give back to the planet and make this world a better place.

 

Insomnia

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night? Do you ever toss and turn constantly and relive difficult situations over and over in your head? How many times did you watch the clock hit 2 am, 3 am and even 4 am? How many times did the alarm begin screaming shrilly after you FINALLY just fell asleep?

Insomnia is something I am determined to destroy this year. I had been doing very well working on my nighttime anxiety and had regulated my sleep patterns for the most part during the week. But this past week reminded me with a swift and hard hand how horrific insomnia can truly be. Not only are you suffering that night torturing yourself over how awful you’re going to feel in the morning, but you get the added treat of dragging your completely worn-out self through the entire following day. The worst part is, you did it to yourself.

You did it to yourself because you feared something in your power went horribly wrong. Or you imagined that some event in your near future would most definitely have a severely negative outcome. You catastrophize and replay worst case scenario under the guise that you are trying to brilliantly devise a picture perfect solution. The problem is, you can’t control everything. Worst of all, you have no faith in yourself under game time pressure.

And then you live the situation in real life. Guess what? It turns out fine. You know why? Because you are far more capable than you ever give yourself credit for. The advice you give everyone else, everyday, you forgot to give yourself. You neglected to pat yourself on the back and allow yourself the rest you so desperately needed.  You refused to cut yourself any slack and give yourself the freedom to maybe make a mistake. You were relentless and vicious in your constant critiques of yourself. Instead of being your own best friend, you became your own worst enemy.

In a world of constant stress and pressure, finding strength within is crucial. Letting go of the illusion of control is possible, I know it is. Someday I hope to get there.

 

 

 

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr

I spent a good deal of time reflecting upon this holiday of Dr Martin Luther King, Jr. There are so many talents of his to highlight, not the least of which was his use of spectacular oration to lead people. No one ever needed to defend whether or not he made ignorant, offensive comments through his word choice; he would never give anyone the chance to do that as his speeches were well thought out and galvanized people towards love and hope. My first blog post, “Words Matter” delves into how important your words are when people look to you for leadership.

But beyond the obvious, I spent some time learning about Dr. King’s most passionate teachings. You can find them here at this link:

http://thekingcenter.org/king-philosophy

I gravitate towards Dr King because of his passion for non-violent methods of conflict resolution. Interestingly enough, you will always find me defending spending money on strong defense for our country as other countries simply are nowhere near discovering non-violent solutions. But keeping the drive for peace at the forefront of our conversations is urgent and necessary. Remember, there is a difference between defense and offense. Within idealistic discussion, an acknowledgement of realism is always appropriate.

Dr King discussed six practical steps toward non-violent social change:

  1. Information Gathering
  2. Education
  3. Personal Commitment
  4. Discussion/Negotiation
  5. Direct Action
  6. Reconciliation

I could write about all of these for pages on end, but I try to keep these blog posts brief. I will therefore focus on the first. Information gathering is nothing more than doing your research. It’s reading, listening to a wide variety of news outlets and talking to learned and experienced people as much as possible to expand your scope. Listening to differing opinions is crucial in this process. Everyone has their story. But challenging each other to be the most informed is also essential to that process. Everyone can have loud and flippant opinions, but educated words matter.

May today’s holiday remind us how important it is to do local service and take action as far as possible to make this entire world a better place.

Returning to Real Life

Ok folks, tomorrow we test how we carry our well-simmered serenity back into our real lives. For many of us, whatever vacation we’ve had over the last few weeks is coming to an end tonight. We will return to whatever real life looks like for each of us. For some of us it is work, school or the hustle and bustle of keeping up with our kids’ activities. Some of us have even harder fights still, recovering from difficult surgeries or living with serious health conditions. We each walk our own path, but we all must react and respond to challenges day in and day out.

Many of us are striving to succeed with our New Year’s resolutions. A new beginning gives us the clean slate we seek, where we’ve forgiven ourselves our trespasses. We visualize our ideal selves and while we know perfection is not possible, we strive to finally achieve the goals we’ve been dreaming of for so long. As we aim to meet these objectives, we remember that often times, less is actually more and simple, repeated execution will bring us within striking distance of true success.

One key component to the formula of our new beginning is appreciating the small wonders that occur in our lives everyday. Carving out small moments for ourselves to take the proverbial breath will be crucial in accomplishing our objectives. Taking some time to figure out what truly matters to us, as opposed to all the things we do simply because it’s what our culture expects, will be a solid foundation upon which we build a fruitful 2018.

I thank all of you, my faithful readers, for sharing my own dream with me in 2017. At a workshop I attended last year with my work sisterhood, we spent 45 minutes writing down everything that was getting in the way of the achievement of our most important aspirations. It was there that I built the framework for this blog. The fulfillment I have experienced over the last four months has been nothing short of magnificent. Your dreams are real and achievable.  Best wishes for a spectacular 2018.

 

 

New Year’s Reflections

The craziness of December is finally coming to an end and now we embark upon the hope of a new year. I have been stealing quiet moments over the past week to reflect upon the challenges of the past year and the lessons I have learned from them. I always savor this last week of the year because I seem to find more time than usual to open my mind to new possibilities and small revelations. I am also able to take advantage of my holiday gifts, which almost always revolve around comfort; new soft blankets on the couch, fluffy slippers on my feet, a silk sleep mask and heated massage cushions for my back. I meditate more often and regain the clarity of a still mind.

But the true challenge of the New Year is figuring out how tranquility can actually become something enjoyed all year, as opposed to just during vacations. I have been paying close attention this week to something known as “self-talk.” It is all the judgement that you pass on yourself every moment of the day. Much of it has become automatic, so you don’t even realize the negativity you put on yourself until you take a step back and become aware of these patterns in everyday thinking. I found myself erecting barriers that don’t exist outside of my own mind which have made it harder for me to simply live a life of reduced stress and challenge.

What I am realizing quickly is that there is much catastrophizing going on in my head in regards to future events to come. This shouldn’t be much of a shock to me, as this is essentially the definition of anxiety. And what’s furthermore even less shocking is the realization that it’s always worse in my own head than what actually happens in real life. I have survived many difficult times in my own life that I never could have even dreamed of. This small revelation is one that should be taught as early as preschool and repeatedly reinforced; you can’t control everything so stop trying. And beyond that, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for; you will handle what’s coming.

I have heard over the last few months that this blog resonates with people; especially those who understand the struggle of anxiety. If I have made one life better by putting into words that fight, then I have succeeded.  The continuum of angst is a long one and there are people on all parts of that spectrum from “not easily bothered” to “living in constant panic.” But I truly believe that all of us can benefit from listening to the voices in our own heads; they have become automatic and you might be surprised at what you find when you truly listen. My quest is for what our culture has deemed impossible, constant peace. But I continue, because I believe it exists as other cultures have found it. Cheers to the New Year and everyone finding their own version of peace in 2018.

 

Are You Happy?

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” -Joseph Campbell

For anyone who has known me well, and over a significant period of time, you know that I have never allowed myself to be truly happy. I have been an extraordinary actress, complete with a perky attitude and a bright, wide smile. But underneath it all, there has always been a sense that I am missing something. I have always been convinced that the grass is greener elsewhere and certainly not where I was standing. If I reached the next goal, I would be happy. Contentment was only something that might occur in the future. Interestingly enough, my fantasies of perfection always happened to be those situations that were completely out of my reach. Lamenting for the ideal was my only source of tormented happiness.

In therapy, a recurrent theme kept emerging; no matter where I was in life, I only saw what was wrong, never what was right. It is a type of OCD where you can’t get past the flaws; a form of perfectionism towards oneself and therefore everyone around you. You begin to ruin even the best things in your life, because you are convinced you don’t deserve them. And it all stems from a dark place inside, an abyss, where you were never told that you actually matter. No opinions of your own held any value. Perfection, dictated by cultural extremes, was what you were after; nothing less was acceptable.

Therapy teaches you to dig in to the places where you have the most emotional resonance; when do you feel the most anger or the most sadness? Go there, delve down and resurrect those most painful memories. It is in those moments that you find your demons. As Stephen King said,

“We stopped checking for monsters under the bed when we realized they were inside of us.”

It is in that place that you realize why you get so angry when a similar situation pops up, or your eyes well up when something today resembles your greatest loss. It is there that you discover what you have been hiding so gracefully behind your elaborate mask of normalcy.

While this journey that I describe is heart-breaking, it is necessary. It is upon rising out of that pilgrimage that you can truly start to rebuild your life on a stronger, more solid and sustainable foundation. And it is upon that bedrock that you can become your most true and best self. And ultimately,  there is where you discover something called HOPE.